The failed day

I feel so ashamed posting so many negative things when I want this to be a positive blog, but, part of my goal is to vent/have an outlet, and often that means letting out the bad so I can move forward.

Today I have been so frustrated. I feel angry for my life and what it has become. Yeah, life is what you make of it and all that, I know all this, but at times the overwhelming badness of the reality takes me over. I understand when I am being irrational. Sometimes it just happens.

Today my thought process kind of went like this: I just slept 11 hours, why do I feel myself nodding off after being awake for two and having a (lightly) caffeinated drink? I couldn’t even bring myself to browse the internet, and went upstairs already marking the day off as failed. The boyfriend came up to rouse me and try to cheer me up. I did manage to get laundry going after that and he went to get me more caffeine. I am dependent on caffeine since so far nothing has seemed to help my fatigue. I lose track of how many pills and supplements I take and I do follow my doctor’s instructions religiously. I must say I am glad that I do have a follow up scheduled with my newest doctor on Monday, he is a chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia specialist. It’s about time I saw someone like him, and I am trying to remain hopeful. I have a new MRI and fresh blood/urine/saliva test results to go over. Yep, I have been through all these things before, but perhaps there is something he will find that no one else has.

So. Laundry. I had another thing I needed to do, just go to the bank and deposit some checks. Money’s awesome, right? That should be enough to motivate me. But I never set foot outside the door.

I have been very emotional today. Compounding this is something a dear friend is going through. I am an empath, always have been always will be. She’s hurting and I hurt for her but I am unable to help. Again I feel useless today. I cried over a few things, I cried over the life I wish I had, the passions I used to feel, the creativity that I used to harbor; I cried over a video clip of a girl with an eating disorder who had burn scars all over her body from an accident she was in as a small child, I cried because it spoke to me as someone who struggles with things due to trauma from an early age. I cried explaining how I feel like I am a shell, a walking empty hull of a person I used to be. Even though I never liked the person I used to be very much, now I find myself longing for that person I was, because now I feel even worse! In some ways, I feel I have gotten so much further than ever before, but in others I have fallen back. I understand more, but I think I have deadened some nerve endings so to speak as a defense mechanism. Things hurt, all the time, physically and emotionally. No wonder I am so exhausted.

I feel all the time. I hurt all the time. I need to find a way to regulate both the emotional and the physical pain. My new doctor, the fatigue and fibro guy, he so wonderfully allowed me to choose what medications I would prefer to be on. I don’t like painkillers much but I did ask for tramadol, just to take the edge off. Also for flexeril, in an attempt to keep my muscles from going insane on me, pushing my bones out of place, tightening my jaw to a painful degree. It helped for awhile but today my pain level is unpleasantly high. I know this means I’ll be more fatigued and less productive, but I am stubbornly angry at that fact.

I am not hiding behind my illnesses as an excuse to do nothing. I often am in awe over how much I have actually accomplished while carrying these loads that I do. I try to think of those things I have done and congratulate myself for not lying down and giving in and getting on disability. I push myself so hard. I do what absolutely needs to get done, which means I go to work, I give it my all, I come home and sleep, and I go to my appointments. Anything that is not those three things suffers in the meantime. I do NOT have any extra energy to give. At times it is difficult for me to even manage the basics. I have a tough time taking care of household chores. I want to socialize, I want to have fun, I REALLY do. But I just cannot manage to get off the couch sometimes. I don’t want people to think I am just lazy or overreacting. I want them to know how much it takes for me to get up every morning and go to work. How often I am running late because it takes so much just to get out of bed. This is how life is for me! Especially in the winter. When the sun comes out, I am much more motivated.

But I feel as if I only have a small handful of friends who understand this situation.

Today I have only eaten one meal.

Today I have managed to do only one thing out of my ever-growing to do list.

I am already dreading tomorrow. All I am trying to do is move out of this dark cloud.

Beating myself up over it never helped but some days I have a hard time stopping that bad habit.

I can’t be the only one. There’s not a lot that even sounds fun or appealing or worth the mighty effort of getting up and out the door. I feel empty, but I am moving towards fixing that. Patching the holes. But there is only so much I can handle at once.

Getting it all out feels good. It appears this is much like the previous entry but I have expounded more.

Mostly because I wanted to go out tonight. I had a chance to socialize, meet people, see old friends and catch up. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do so. Feeling as if my shame and dried tears will be so obvious to everyone around me just made my anxiety spike to the highest degree possible.

Staying inside until I can’t anymore.