Scatterbrained.

So I know I mentioned a few things in my last post that I wanted to go back over in more detail. First, I am very glad that my self-diagnosis was apparently  correct, as now I will be able to receive the treatment I need. This is great news, because I cannot stand the idea of living one more year in the cycle I am still in.

The intensive DBT program scares me a little, but I know I need to push myself out of my comfort zone, or I’ll never leave this cycle. The cycle is what is “comfortable” to me, but I don’t want that kind of comfort. I need to be uneasy so I can get healthy.

For those of you who are unaware, DBT is a type of therapy geared toward borderline individuals- Dialectical behavior therapy. Here’s the Wikipedia entry.

Even as much as this entire situation sucks right now… the ex is being very spiteful and mean… calling me petty and other less savory things when I ask for compensation for damages done to my home and belongings by his daughter and him, etc. I refuse to be bullied anymore. I know that’s why he thinks I am such a cunt: I’m willing to have a backbone… I know this is the way things needed to go. I feel it is fateful in many ways, for the journey to self-discovery and healing has apparently gotten a turbo boost since this has occurred. I have always been a fairly self-aware person, but this has gone to the next level. Reading into borderline, accepting that it sounds like me, getting diagnosed and getting into proper treatment is all great for me! I am leaving his ass in the dust.

The other thing it has massively helped with is healing my relationship with my father. This was unexpected but one day I felt I should call him and explain what had happened when we broke up. We split in a really dramatic way. His daughter decided it was too stressful for her to live here and she needed to move out to her grandmother’s. We were still going to try to make the relationship work, however the next day when he came up to talk to me, we ended up in a huge argument because I refused to take care of his daughter’s pets any longer (not my responsibility!). Things ended up violent. He puts all that blame on me, because I did make the first move (I am ashamed of this, I have never gotten like this before) when he told his daughter on the phone that I was going to let all her pet rats starve to death instead of feeding them. This is clearly NOT what I said nor what I would have done! I got incredibly angry and apparently I shoved him and scratched him. I don’t remember scratching him but he sent me pictures. When he was leaving, I shut the door behind him but he came back and shoved the door open with me behind it, yelling about what a bitch I am. He shoved me with the door so hard I hit the couch and scraped up my ankle (left ankle -right one is already injured from a fall down the stairs a few weeks prior). I have a huge lump and bruise on my shin still from being hit with the door. He only let up when I yelled that he was a “woman beater” out the front door. Then he left and proceeded to text me about what a sociopath I am and all these other things… probably more justification on what a “nice guy” he is and how I just “shat all over him” and how I am “an abusive monster”. More of the same I have been used to hearing now for the past few weeks or so.

Of course, he owes me well over $3,000 because even though I can’t afford to support him or his daughter, I was often forced to do so, putting groceries on my credit card because I would be guilted into it, or you know…let them starve while I ate. Every time I brought up needing financial help, I was manipulated emotionally or argued with. It became impossible to talk to him about anything serious. I have a promissory note with the payment plan on it thankfully, and I did receive a payment today even though he is back to calling me a bitch and all that, so that is a good sign, though I’d rather be done with him sooner than I will be. Unfortunately, he does not appear responsible enough to pay me off quicker, nor is he capable of getting a loan because he’s massively fucked his credit.

I digress. I called my dad. I told him what happened. Talking to anyone in my family about my relationships, particularly ones this toxic, is not something I do. It’s not comfortable for me. My family does not address feelings. But I felt it needed to happen. I wanted to explain to him what I have been dealing with. I told him all about borderline, how I have struggled with self-harm and suicidal urges most of my life, plus tumultuous relationships. This was risky as he knew when I was a teen that I would cut, but he would use it against me. He has changed a lot recently however, and I felt I needed to make this push. And what he did surprised the hell out of me.

He actually said something to the effect of: “That sounds just like us,” when I explained to him what borderline is. This is the first sign of accountability from my father. We had a big, long, heartfelt conversation of the likes that we have never had before. At the end, he actually told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him too. This was the first time in my life this has happened. I’m 31 years old.

This is about all I can bring myself to write about tonight, but I wanted to explain that there is definitely a silver lining in my life. I feel like my very being is returning to my body. I am reclaiming my life, my home, my health, and my mind. I will heal, I am strong, and he can live the rest of his life without me.

Update.

So, I haven’t written in awhile which I apologize for especially with how extreme the topic of my last post was. I’m single now. I have been officially diagnosed borderline. I’m on a wait list for a DBT specific clinic, so in about a month I will be starting a full fidelity DBT program specifically for borderline individuals. It’ll be very intensive but I will hopefully gain a lot from it. I hope so. I cannot afford to waste any more of my life like this.

The relationship cycles, the instability, the self-harm/suicidal ideation – all of it needs to go.

This update will be brief, but I have been struggling and wanted to put feelers out there, let whoever is listening know I am still here.

I was chatting with a friend tonight and she said something that made me cry (in a good way, considering this breakup went very rough and as a result, I have lost all the people I have spent most of my time with over the past year plus):

I never met Sam. And even though you and I haven’t hung out in person in a long time, I feel like you are one of my closest friends. I want you to know that the reason things came to a head isn’t because you have a mental or physical ailment. It’s because you are becoming emotionally healthier. You grew and he didn’t. If you take your exes and plot them on a chart, you may see patterns that make you feel like you are in a cycle, but you aren’t. You are in a spiral and it is opening up and allowing self-love and self-healing. And I could not be more proud of you.  All this with limited spoons.

She has known me a long time so I feel blessed to still have her in my life and I’m grateful that she sees me in this light. I feel like very few people do, especially now. It is easy to feel alienated when people are tossing you to the side as though you meant nothing, all because you are crazy…

Hope everyone is doing well. I will hopefully have the energy to write a more meaningful update soon.

No luck

Well, the Lyme test was negative. This means I am still on the hunt for whatever is causing the infection in my heart. I have a few other ideas but will just have to be patient.

In the meantime, my emotional problems are beginning to take over my entire life, and I have recently realized I am in the middle of a fibromyalgia flare up. I have noticed an incredible increase in fatigue but that could be due to any number of things. It became very apparent when I helped clean up some branches and leaves after my dad trimmed up some hedges in my front yard…it was very light work, but I ended up in so much pain later that day and was even worse the next. It was so severe that I had to hide in the bedroom while the boyfriend and I were supposed to have company. I felt so terrible. In addition to my usual tense muscles, I had some extraordinarily tender areas (mostly chest and left hip) and numbness/tingling/pins and needles in my left hand/arm. I have been experiencing that last bit more and more frequently, and I notice my hands go numb now if I decide to read in bed. I am trying not to be too alarmed at this but it worries me with whatever is going on with my heart.

So…my doctor has made some massive changes and I will probably be undergoing a lot of uncomfortable adjustments over the next few weeks. He has prescribed me Cymbalta, which I have not had before. I have had terrible luck with other antidepressants, at least SSRIs and Wellbutrin, but I will give it a shot. It’s supposed to work for depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia so we will see if it helps any or all of those things. Sounds nice, if it works.

Because of the possible interactions of Cymbalta with Flexeril I have been switched to another muscle relaxer: zanaflex. I have no experience with this, but hope it works. Also, we are finding that one of my supplements does appear to be helping out my thyroid so I am cutting down my dosage of thyroid hormone which is nice. I was also briefly put on Losartan and now going off it, which is fine by me because it made me incredibly sensitive to sunlight. I found myself with sunburns when I typically don’t burn easily.

I feel so scattered and unfocused so I apologize if it comes through in this post. I have been feeling like I am losing my sanity. I have had moments where I feel so disconnected from me and who I am, typically when my boyfriend needs me to be emotionally present… and I just can’t be bothered. I just sit there, eyes open, not caring… I know he needs me to reach out and touch him, or tell him everything is okay, but I just…don’t. And it scares me. I feel like my whole being is just somewhere else in those moments, and I am just this human-shaped shell, incapable of caring. I don’t know what it is. All I know is that I really need to get back into therapy, but I just keep hoping for something to slow down. I wish I could just take time off work and focus on my health, but it’s just not possible with my finances.

When I read about Borderline personality disorder, I felt like I was reading an autobiography. There are a couple things that don’t apply to me, but so much of it does. I am not diagnosing myself, because I just don’t believe in that, but I believe that this is a breakthrough moment for me. I have always read a lot about psychology and never, ever thought I could be someone who suffered with a personality disorder. Why was I so quick to embrace the possibility of other emotional issues, but deny personality disorders? I guess even in the stigmatized, there are stigmas. It felt too “permanent” maybe, to me before. But now it is something to run past my therapist and get my shit figured out. I am so tired of living like this. It’s a shame my emotional issues had to go into full speed when everything else did, too, but I guess it’s all connected. Coming off depo and allowing PMDD to rear its ugly head was one of the worst decisions I ever made, but I didn’t realize I had that issue in the first place until all this started happening…so I guess it could be a blessing in disguise.

My doctor referred me to a hormone specialist but unfortunately, that doctor is not covered by my insurance. I’m on the hunt for another to see what we can get figured out. This is all the updating I have the energy to provide currently…thanks for reading.

Rough week

Last week was a pretty bad week, but I feel that things are climbing back upwards slowly but surely. I am starting to think I need some medication for my anxiety. I’ve tried just about everything that doesn’t include pharmaceuticals to no avail. I had another panic attack recently, having two of them so close together frightens me. I’ve only had a few in my entire life. I did some reading up on them and it appears that if you leave panic attacks untreated, they can turn into a panic disorder. Well, that’s the last thing I need, really.

I took some klonopin a friend had given me to get me through a couple stressful social events and feel like it really helped me relax and act like a normal person in a social situation, something I have never experienced before because I am soooo used to freaking out in situations like that. I typically just shut down and don’t talk, mostly because I fear saying the wrong things, or weird things, or not having anything interesting to say, etc. I always assume people will be bored or irritated by me. So it was nice to have a sort of normal experience. The only thing is I think it messed with my memory a bit, which is already a little suspect with my brain fog and whatnot.

My homework for myself lately has been reading up on being a toxic person. Previously, I had read up on other people being toxic but never thought about the fact that I may be toxic as well. It explains a lot about the type of people I attract, both in relationships and friendships. I never thought about myself as toxic because I felt it was all about intent. I try to avoid making anything personal, even in arguments, not dragging out peoples’ shortcomings and throwing them in their faces, etc. BUT I realize that my (negative) feelings are so palpable that they suffocate the people around me when I am in the midst of dealing with them. I realize how painful and draining this can be for others because I grew up in a very volatile situation, though I think I was more afraid of my father when he was angry because it could and would easily switch from him being frustrated at some situation that had nothing to do with me or my brother/mother/etc. to taking it out on one or all of us. I became trained to be frightened any time his mood went south regardless of how or why. I don’t want to be like him, at all, so when I hear my anger hurts those close to me even though I am careful to not direct it at anyone, it really touches me and I want to do everything in my power to avoid it.

My boyfriend and I are both battling these things, whether he realizes it or not. Something in my tone of voice will trigger him, and he will fire away at me. Because I am still unaware of these tones in my voice (they do not always match up with how I feel inside) it takes me aback when he starts yelling. I don’t do well with yelling/slamming doors/etc. so then I am triggered and then I start yelling. It’s a downward spiral from there. I end up shaking and crying and he gets so defensive and puts blinders on, not realizing that he has any fault in this as he is just “reacting” to me. I think that is utter bullshit and refuse to take 100% of the responsibility, and we did discuss it last time this happened. He agrees and apologizes for his part. But I still feel like we have a long way to go, because he likes to drag out very personal things when he gets angry and that hurts me a lot. Knowing that he thinks I do not do enough for my mental health especially aggravates me. I do not have enough time in my schedule to fit in more therapy, nor more money. He thinks I should find a provider in my insurance network so it is cheaper and therefore the idea is I can go more often. However, my argument is… it has taken YEARS to find a therapist who works for me. I am not willing to go through the motions of trying out multiple providers again, wasting time, energy and money to find someone who will work for me only to start all the way over from the beginning. It took me many years to find my therapist and I am not willing to give her up. Plus, I rarely even have time to go have “fun”. If I cram all my “free time” into appointments, then my entire life is really just appointments and work. What about my work/life balance? There is no balance there. I still don’t even know what to DO for fun. I have lost that part of myself long ago. My life has become this search for restoring my health or finding a way to cope with all of these things, I have lost sight completely of all the things that used to make me happy, the things I thought were fun. It’s depressing! I am even dealing with a lot of anxiety around the idea that I have to talk about myself at work soon in front of my team because we merged with another company and we are just doing this thing every week where one person from each department will introduce themselves to the whole team, talk a little about the things they like to do, etc. and I am just sitting here thinking… what do I like to do? What will I talk about? “Hi, I enjoy working my life away and fighting to get my life back from many chronic illnesses and mental health issues, so I basically don’t have any hobbies anymore.” I mean really… I feel like a shell of my former self, even more so than when I was really deeply depressed. At least then I was constantly writing and painting.

Tomorrow I finally go back to my doctor and will discuss the idea of checking for Lyme disease, and maybe discussing anxiety meds. I don’t know how he will feel about the last part, since he is a naturopath, but he has been open to prescribing me things I ask for because he knows I won’t abuse it and that I am very self-aware and have done a lot of research about things.

On another note, the medical marijuana card was a great idea. I have found some products from dispensaries that really help me with my pain without getting me high. I got a very potent tincture that helps me with my pain but doesn’t mess me up so I can take it at work. I’ve also found some particular strains that I can smoke when I am at home that help with pain without making me tired or hungry, so I can stay focused and get things done. Aside from gabapentin, this is probably one of the most helpful things I have gotten for myself. I have now just started using Rick Simpson oil (RSO) and I can’t comment quite yet on my experience with it as I just started last night. Supposedly, people have cured various cancers with it and helped all sorts of symptoms from varying illnesses including lupus and fibromyalgia, but I am skeptical. However, I can say I am happy to have found something for me that works, I previously rejected people when they told me I should get my card, thinking all stoners think weed is miraculous and can fix all problems… shows what I know. Hopefully it will be decriminalized on a federal level so I don’t have to worry about being drug tested at work and potentially losing my job.

Anyway, that’s about all there is to report. I’ve still been incredibly fatigued. I feel as though I used up all my energy last year and the beginning of this year, when I bought my house and did a ton of work on it. Now all those projects are half completed and the disarray is making my anxiety worse. I’ve been depressed too, with the PMDD going into overdrive… I always think, has it been a month again already? I need to also talk to my doctor about eradicating my period again which I did for 11 years and didn’t have these types of symptoms. I can’t live with it.

I also lost a pet recently, I have snakes. One of them got sick and I took him to the vet, unfortunately it appears the respiratory infection spread quicker than I caught it because the very next day, he was dying when I got home from work. He died right next to me and I just sobbed and sobbed… didn’t help it was one of the days my boyfriend and I were at odds and he was not there when this happened. We fought all day long and then this happened…and then we fought some more. I need a vacation, pretty damn sure of it.

A little relief

Well, I have finally made it into therapy for the first time in many months. I felt like I could use another two hours on top of the hour I had to discuss everything going on. But I still feel as though I have made a little progress. I broke down a little bit when discussing my heart situation. I have realized I am actually incredibly scared.

I did mention it briefly in an earlier post, but I will recap here because I have a hunch as to what is causing it: I have incredibly elevated lipoprotein a levels. My number is in the three digit range, and healthy numbers are supposed to be somewhere below 40 I believe. I have done a lot of research because of the threat of a cardiac “event”. I want to know what to be prepared for if it comes down to it.

So, my cholesterol levels are great. My good cholesterol is really high, possibly because I eat a lot of fish (I don’t really eat any other type of meat…occasionally chicken but that’s it, mostly fish). So this is not an issue caused by something I am doing. As I was looking at peoples’ experiences with the new supplement I mentioned I was trying (Lauricidin) I noticed quite a few people with Lyme disease commenting. I started wondering, as this is not the first time I’ve run across people with Lyme disease in my searches regarding my health issues. I am beginning to think I could very well have Lyme disease that I could have been living with for over a decade. I was bitten by a tick when I was either a preteen or young teen, and I cannot recall if I had any odd symptoms afterward (the bite was in my ear, not sure if the telltale bulls-eye rash would be visible there, but not everyone gets that rash, as far as I have read). Other symptoms are similar to flu/cold symptoms so likely I would not have noticed, as I was frequently getting sick.

So. In my research, I have found descriptions of Lyme disease that has progressed far enough to involve the heart. It can also cause arthritis-like symptoms in major joints, particularly the knees. This interests me because I have had issues with my knees throughout my teens and up to my current age. No one has been able to figure out why my knees get swollen/fluid filled and I have been tested for rheumatoid arthritis, tests turned up negative.

It would also explain my immune system suppression. *Something* is actively suppressing my immune system, making me very vulnerable to illness. I’ve also just received some troubling results in my bloodwork regarding my liver, which could be related to this issue or to the chronic active Epstein-Barr virus, since I did recently go through a flare up of that.

My extra thick blood could also be blamed on a long term unchecked Lyme disease infection. Not to mention my chronic fatigue, but CFS seems to go hand in hand with just about every condition I have been diagnosed with so far anyway.

I was trying to make an appointment with the doctor who is supposed to be very good at finding hidden infections, but she is booked until December. I do not feel as though I have that much time. With my lipoprotein a levels *so* elevated, I feel like a heart attack waiting to happen. This terrifies me. I have been through so many diagnoses in my life, but this is the first one that is an active threat to my life. I am only 30 years old. I do not know how to process this information.

To make matters worse, I have told only a handful of people about this situation, but it does not seem as though anyone understands the gravity of this situation. It hurts so bad to think that the people I feel closest to do not have any concern for me. I had a panic attack the night before last just thinking about this stuff. I have not felt such despair in many years…the feeling that no one cares about whether I live or die is something I used to be very uncomfortably familiar with, but it has been over a decade since I felt that way until recently. I am feeling sorry for myself, which I hate, but I am lost here. I do not know how to navigate this territory. I am scared. It sucks to admit that, because I have been so stubborn and stormed through all kinds of trouble in my life, but to admit I don’t know what to do just terrifies me to my very core.

I’ve worked hard in life, I have accomplished a few things I never thought I would get a chance to, and I am proud of that. But I am not done. I do not want to kick the bucket just yet. I have so much more to do. I want to thrive, not just survive. I am done crawling through life… but I just feel like I can’t enjoy anything lately. I have forgotten how to have fun. I thought I got out of my depressive phase but I have not. I am still in the thick of it.

I am waiting on a call from my doctor to discuss thyroid test results since we have not tested my thyroid in a couple years. I want to make sure my medication is working. When he calls me, I will tell him my theory about the Lyme disease thing and see if we can do some more testing. I am actually hoping it IS Lyme disease, as then we would be able to move forward with a treatment plan. If it is not, then it’s back to the drawing board…and as mentioned previously, I am sick and tired of being a medical mystery.

I need some answers, some relief, a deep breath and a hug.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has or is battling Lyme disease, particularly if it is Lyme with cardiac involvement. I need to know if there is hope!

Emotional manipulation

I came across an article this morning about emotional manipulation and how to protect yourself. Having been in an incredibly damaging relationship with someone I am 99% sure is a sociopath, it spoke to me. Also having grown  up in an abusive home…I see there are a lot of crossovers, and I guess it is unsurprising that I would end up in a series of uncomfortable, unhealthy and downright abusive relationships over the years.

To me, it was always the emotional abuse that was worse than the physical. I have only been in one relationship that included any kind of physical abuse, but my childhood had its share of physical abuse. Mostly though, it was the words that stung. The words and threats are what manipulated me into believing I deserved that kind of treatment. I always said I would rather undergo any kind of physical pain over emotional pain. I stand by that; my heart is sensitive, my tolerance for physical pain is sky high.

For those who would like to read the article, I will link it here: 8 Ways to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation. I implore you to read it, even if you have not been through such a situation, it may help you understand others who have been. Empathy is incredibly important to me. Helping to understand victims will help them feel less alienated.

It drives me crazy when people get upset with the victim in such circumstances. Many people do not understand the victim cycle. You end up feeling brainwashed…it IS a form of brainwashing. If you want to be aware and able to help someone who is a victim of such an abuser, another good thing to read up on is gaslighting. This is a form of manipulation that has the victim questioning their own sanity. I have been there. I didn’t have anyone around me who understood what was happening. I was being judged, blamed and called crazy by a handful of friends and acquaintances who did not understand what I was going through. I eventually was strong enough to get out. But it wasn’t until JUST NOW, when I read this article, that I realized this happened to me in my home life as well. I was just mentioning it the other day, actually; so I am not sure why it clicked now. The Wikipedia article for gaslighting explains it all.

I blamed myself for many years as a child and into adulthood for the things happening around me. My father continually denied any of his abusive behavior, accusing us all of being crazy when we were brave enough to confront him. This is why I started to “punish” myself at a young age, moving from beating and bruising myself with heavy objects, to burning myself with metal items heated red hot or chemicals that would eat through my flesh, to eventually cutting. I started with a pocket knife my father gifted me and ended with a razor blade busted out of a safety razor. I cut myself so deep I went into shock, and thus began my desire to stop the self-mutilation I had by this time been entrenched in for about a decade. I thought my very existence was the reason my father was so angry, and I was making myself pay for it. Perhaps he was mad that I existed, but it was not my fault. I did not ask to be born and I certainly wouldn’t have asked to be born to this family. I finally realize it: It is NOT MY FAULT.

So. No surprise I would continue on the path of self-abuse for a long time until I tried desperately to get help. I find I still struggle (see: last relationship) but I am hopeful for my future now, perhaps for the first time ever. I feel very much free from many things in my past, though occasionally I am still haunted by particular memories. Many of my friends have also lived through traumatic childhoods; most of them, however, have made peace with their abusers and now have as healthy of a relationship as possible with their families. I fear I will get no such closure. My boyfriend told me he doesn’t know what he would do if he didn’t have the support of his family and knows how hard it was before he had that support. He told me he knows how hard it is to get where I have gotten without any help. HE ACTUALLY UNDERSTANDS ME. I cried so much I felt like a dried out husk of a human. My accomplishments and my struggles have never been acknowledged like that. He is proud of me. I don’t feel like anyone has EVER been proud of me, and if they were, they certainly didn’t say so. It touched me and it was exactly what I needed to hear and have needed for years. He gets me. I feel so lucky.

I can’t really relate to people who DON’T come from a traumatic background and/or don’t have some kind of chronic illness. Obviously the reverse is true as well. It’s difficult to connect with someone who comes from a wildly different place than yourself.

I am happy to say now that the people I surround myself with are positive people making changes in their lives for the better despite their painful history. This is an improvement over the years I spent doing damaging things with other damaged people. No goals, no plans, no care in the world but to forget the monsters inside our own heads. I thought I would not live to see 25, and I didn’t really care.

I dragged myself out of that pit, and I did it all on my own. I guess this is probably my greatest accomplishment. I quit cutting, I quit drinking (I do drink occasionally now but NEVER to get drunk and tend to veer away from hard liquor) I quit a lot of other things including negative self-talk. I felt like that was really stupid when I first read/heard about it but it is very important. I am less critical of others and less critical of myself. Not that I am perfect with it just yet but my quality of life has improved over the past couple years for sure.

I’m pleased with life now and have hope for my future. Eyes wide open.

Long time coming

So I realize I have not posted in quite some time, and actually was surprised when I noticed the date on my last post (I thought it had been even longer ago that I bothered to update). But I have a little bit of time now and want to catch up on some things.

My last post was incredibly negative and I feel both surprised and UNsurprised by that fact considering how I feel now, and considering my circumstances at the time that was posted.

I feel so grateful to finally feel *stable* for once. The good news is that despite how I felt during my last post, I can actually tell how different I really am even though I could not see it at the time. My therapist came back from maternity leave as my last relationship was falling apart and she was saying things like, “You need to remove yourself from that situation as soon as possible.” and I was able to respond: “I know, and I am already working on doing just that.” She commented to me that I seemed like a completely different person. I started to feel, experience, see things as a different person also. I truly feel I have finally made progress, and it came just in time to rescue me from a very damaging situation.

I moved too fast into a relationship and justified it because it was a person I had dated before and had 15 years of history with. However, it became apparent he had not changed much in those 15 years and the situation devolved into something dangerous. I used this crumbling foundation to launch me into a new, necessary yet scary endeavor: to own my own home for the first time. This was a goal I had for a very long time and it always felt completely out of reach. In a matter of two months or so, though, I did it. It was SO hard for me to wait for the right house to come along when I knew I desperately needed out of the place that I lived with a monster.

Looking at house after house out of my price range or places falling apart, or too far out, or even putting in an offer and being beat out by a different offer was becoming a little bit soul crushing…especially when I had to return ‘home’ feeling defeated, putting up with the emotional abuse and filth I had to live with.

When I finally found the place I wanted, I was completely unfazed by all the paperwork and all the typically “stressful” things people complain about when purchasing a home. I welcomed it. Each step was a step closer to what felt like total autonomy and liberation. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but if it does… maybe you haven’t lived through an abusive relationship. Buying my own home is important to me not only for the accomplishment but for a symbolic end to my incredibly unstable history. Finally there is something that is mine, mine alone. Maybe I won’t have to move upwards of 4 times a year anymore. It feels good.

My job, which is very stressful in and of itself, has become much easier for me to handle. All of this just from a change of my perspective, the way I see life, everything. I am so grateful. I cannot stress enough how exciting it is to me to feel I have finally made progress just when I felt ready to give up on ever changing. It does not help that there were a handful of people to throw in “I told you so” type commentary regarding my last relationship, but I casually pointed out, “This is not a bet, it is my LIFE.” Be there for me or get the hell out of my way.

So, mental/emotional health is improving. Stress is reduced. There’s all kinds of new stresses that come with home ownership, but I feel I am handling it all with grace. Physical health is a little bit worse off, though not as bad as I would expect. I did move twice this year, and 95% of all the packing and lifting (including furniture) was done by myself, chronic pain and all. On top of this, I have not had a professional massage that did me one bit of good since April of last year, right before my massage therapist was injured gravely. She is still unable to work, but I did finally get a referral to someone who might actually be able to help me thanks to my amazing fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue doctor. (Long story short, many massage therapists claim to be able to work on chronic pain/fibro patients, but few actually seem to know what to do with a body like mine.)

So, I am hurting, but I’m no longer under any crushing unhappiness or stress, so perhaps this is why it is not affecting me as badly as I would have expected.

I did receive a new diagnosis recently. My period has returned after I came off of depo provera. I was on depo for 11 years, during which I had no periods. I began experiencing a lot of bad cramps and emotional outbursts, lots of anger, irritability and sadness. My doctor diagnosed me with PMS, partially due to these symptoms and symptoms I experienced prior to going on depo. I wanted to stay off hormonal birth control until I balanced my hormones but I could not stand it any longer and my doctor wrote me a prescription for Nuvaring. So far so good but we’ll see what happens come next month.

Just got 14 vials of blood drawn for labs, plus saliva and urine samples. There are still some mysteries in my body to solve.

I have much more to say but am currently at work so this will have to do for now. I hope you are all doing well.