Well, the Lyme test was negative. This means I am still on the hunt for whatever is causing the infection in my heart. I have a few other ideas but will just have to be patient.
In the meantime, my emotional problems are beginning to take over my entire life, and I have recently realized I am in the middle of a fibromyalgia flare up. I have noticed an incredible increase in fatigue but that could be due to any number of things. It became very apparent when I helped clean up some branches and leaves after my dad trimmed up some hedges in my front yard…it was very light work, but I ended up in so much pain later that day and was even worse the next. It was so severe that I had to hide in the bedroom while the boyfriend and I were supposed to have company. I felt so terrible. In addition to my usual tense muscles, I had some extraordinarily tender areas (mostly chest and left hip) and numbness/tingling/pins and needles in my left hand/arm. I have been experiencing that last bit more and more frequently, and I notice my hands go numb now if I decide to read in bed. I am trying not to be too alarmed at this but it worries me with whatever is going on with my heart.
So…my doctor has made some massive changes and I will probably be undergoing a lot of uncomfortable adjustments over the next few weeks. He has prescribed me Cymbalta, which I have not had before. I have had terrible luck with other antidepressants, at least SSRIs and Wellbutrin, but I will give it a shot. It’s supposed to work for depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia so we will see if it helps any or all of those things. Sounds nice, if it works.
Because of the possible interactions of Cymbalta with Flexeril I have been switched to another muscle relaxer: zanaflex. I have no experience with this, but hope it works. Also, we are finding that one of my supplements does appear to be helping out my thyroid so I am cutting down my dosage of thyroid hormone which is nice. I was also briefly put on Losartan and now going off it, which is fine by me because it made me incredibly sensitive to sunlight. I found myself with sunburns when I typically don’t burn easily.
I feel so scattered and unfocused so I apologize if it comes through in this post. I have been feeling like I am losing my sanity. I have had moments where I feel so disconnected from me and who I am, typically when my boyfriend needs me to be emotionally present… and I just can’t be bothered. I just sit there, eyes open, not caring… I know he needs me to reach out and touch him, or tell him everything is okay, but I just…don’t. And it scares me. I feel like my whole being is just somewhere else in those moments, and I am just this human-shaped shell, incapable of caring. I don’t know what it is. All I know is that I really need to get back into therapy, but I just keep hoping for something to slow down. I wish I could just take time off work and focus on my health, but it’s just not possible with my finances.
When I read about Borderline personality disorder, I felt like I was reading an autobiography. There are a couple things that don’t apply to me, but so much of it does. I am not diagnosing myself, because I just don’t believe in that, but I believe that this is a breakthrough moment for me. I have always read a lot about psychology and never, ever thought I could be someone who suffered with a personality disorder. Why was I so quick to embrace the possibility of other emotional issues, but deny personality disorders? I guess even in the stigmatized, there are stigmas. It felt too “permanent” maybe, to me before. But now it is something to run past my therapist and get my shit figured out. I am so tired of living like this. It’s a shame my emotional issues had to go into full speed when everything else did, too, but I guess it’s all connected. Coming off depo and allowing PMDD to rear its ugly head was one of the worst decisions I ever made, but I didn’t realize I had that issue in the first place until all this started happening…so I guess it could be a blessing in disguise.
My doctor referred me to a hormone specialist but unfortunately, that doctor is not covered by my insurance. I’m on the hunt for another to see what we can get figured out. This is all the updating I have the energy to provide currently…thanks for reading.