Scatterbrained.

So I know I mentioned a few things in my last post that I wanted to go back over in more detail. First, I am very glad that my self-diagnosis was apparently  correct, as now I will be able to receive the treatment I need. This is great news, because I cannot stand the idea of living one more year in the cycle I am still in.

The intensive DBT program scares me a little, but I know I need to push myself out of my comfort zone, or I’ll never leave this cycle. The cycle is what is “comfortable” to me, but I don’t want that kind of comfort. I need to be uneasy so I can get healthy.

For those of you who are unaware, DBT is a type of therapy geared toward borderline individuals- Dialectical behavior therapy. Here’s the Wikipedia entry.

Even as much as this entire situation sucks right now… the ex is being very spiteful and mean… calling me petty and other less savory things when I ask for compensation for damages done to my home and belongings by his daughter and him, etc. I refuse to be bullied anymore. I know that’s why he thinks I am such a cunt: I’m willing to have a backbone… I know this is the way things needed to go. I feel it is fateful in many ways, for the journey to self-discovery and healing has apparently gotten a turbo boost since this has occurred. I have always been a fairly self-aware person, but this has gone to the next level. Reading into borderline, accepting that it sounds like me, getting diagnosed and getting into proper treatment is all great for me! I am leaving his ass in the dust.

The other thing it has massively helped with is healing my relationship with my father. This was unexpected but one day I felt I should call him and explain what had happened when we broke up. We split in a really dramatic way. His daughter decided it was too stressful for her to live here and she needed to move out to her grandmother’s. We were still going to try to make the relationship work, however the next day when he came up to talk to me, we ended up in a huge argument because I refused to take care of his daughter’s pets any longer (not my responsibility!). Things ended up violent. He puts all that blame on me, because I did make the first move (I am ashamed of this, I have never gotten like this before) when he told his daughter on the phone that I was going to let all her pet rats starve to death instead of feeding them. This is clearly NOT what I said nor what I would have done! I got incredibly angry and apparently I shoved him and scratched him. I don’t remember scratching him but he sent me pictures. When he was leaving, I shut the door behind him but he came back and shoved the door open with me behind it, yelling about what a bitch I am. He shoved me with the door so hard I hit the couch and scraped up my ankle (left ankle -right one is already injured from a fall down the stairs a few weeks prior). I have a huge lump and bruise on my shin still from being hit with the door. He only let up when I yelled that he was a “woman beater” out the front door. Then he left and proceeded to text me about what a sociopath I am and all these other things… probably more justification on what a “nice guy” he is and how I just “shat all over him” and how I am “an abusive monster”. More of the same I have been used to hearing now for the past few weeks or so.

Of course, he owes me well over $3,000 because even though I can’t afford to support him or his daughter, I was often forced to do so, putting groceries on my credit card because I would be guilted into it, or you know…let them starve while I ate. Every time I brought up needing financial help, I was manipulated emotionally or argued with. It became impossible to talk to him about anything serious. I have a promissory note with the payment plan on it thankfully, and I did receive a payment today even though he is back to calling me a bitch and all that, so that is a good sign, though I’d rather be done with him sooner than I will be. Unfortunately, he does not appear responsible enough to pay me off quicker, nor is he capable of getting a loan because he’s massively fucked his credit.

I digress. I called my dad. I told him what happened. Talking to anyone in my family about my relationships, particularly ones this toxic, is not something I do. It’s not comfortable for me. My family does not address feelings. But I felt it needed to happen. I wanted to explain to him what I have been dealing with. I told him all about borderline, how I have struggled with self-harm and suicidal urges most of my life, plus tumultuous relationships. This was risky as he knew when I was a teen that I would cut, but he would use it against me. He has changed a lot recently however, and I felt I needed to make this push. And what he did surprised the hell out of me.

He actually said something to the effect of: “That sounds just like us,” when I explained to him what borderline is. This is the first sign of accountability from my father. We had a big, long, heartfelt conversation of the likes that we have never had before. At the end, he actually told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him too. This was the first time in my life this has happened. I’m 31 years old.

This is about all I can bring myself to write about tonight, but I wanted to explain that there is definitely a silver lining in my life. I feel like my very being is returning to my body. I am reclaiming my life, my home, my health, and my mind. I will heal, I am strong, and he can live the rest of his life without me.

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