Just need to vent.

Every time I let myself slip and have *feelings* I think I am doing something right finally until I am betrayed again, by myself or someone else (usually both; myself for being too trusting, especially), end result is the same. I’m so sick of my bad decisions, I am only attracted to those who will hurt me. I keep trying to work on it. I’ve been in therapy consistently for more than a year, the longest ever. I cannot tell where I am going wrong. Even someone I have known half my life convinces me of things that are obviously impossible. I’m sick of being jerked around like this and even more frustrated at myself for letting it happen time and time again. I don’t know where my issue is, but I guess all those people who called me ‘broken’ were right. I am fine picking up the pieces and moving on, alone, it’s what I do. However, when the time comes and I think I can trust my decision making skills again, I won’t know how to tell if it’s all a facade or not. After this, I really do not see myself trusting someone who says any of these nice things to me ever, ever, ever again.

Anyone else get stuck in these cycles with relationships? I always see the good in people and want to believe the nice things people say. Then when people show me the opposite of those nice things, I feel like a fool and naive for believing it. Part of me will probably continue to insist that somewhere I will somehow find the type of companionship I desire, but the other part is saying it’s just not possible. For some reason. I don’t know what I am doing wrong, but I will never fully trust someone or even myself ever. Giving in because someone seems so genuine is just an invitation to be hurt.

Of course, my problem mostly is connecting with people who have major issues themselves. I have some crazy desire to grow and change and support someone and have them support me through all the crazy bullshit I have to deal with. But people fall short and I always end up feeling like I am just too much trouble, not worth the time. I don’t know. Whatever it is, I hope I can figure it out one day. Until then, it’s just me I can count on. Even then, not all the time. But I’m the best I’ve got.


Suicidal ideation

Interestingly enough, it seems that a lot of people come to the conclusion that suicide is a selfish choice. However, when I attempt to point out how my thought processes have been when I think about suicide (largely relating to me feeling like a burden on others, which to me seems the opposite of selfish), people get uncomfortable (naturally) and still tell me it’s selfish. Then some even specify that if you do not completely exhaust your support network before committing suicide, of course you are selfish. How dare you make a decision without baring your soul to every single person you can think of who might help?

But if in that moment you decide to share some thoughts you have had with them, they close up and say “Maybe you should talk to your therapist about that, I’m not a trained professional.”

What? Are you not part of this support system I am supposed to exhaust before giving up completely? Being shot down by people I care about doesn’t really help. Not that I am at any risk of following through on these types of thoughts, I am still in a bad place and need the care and support of those close to me. Time and time again, however, I am reminded that no one wants to discuss these things, yet they still want me to believe it’s selfish of me.

Funny how that works.

It’s hard for me to write this post even if it seems otherwise. I have run into a lot of issues confessing my feelings to people I care about. Of course it’s hard to hear that someone is feeling this way but the reactions I have encountered just serve to reinforce my assumption that no one is really there for me, that there is no point in talking to people about it because they will react negatively. That is scary especially when you are in a very dark place.

What they really mean to say is you should talk to a psychiatrist or go to a support group. Anything where you are talking to virtual strangers because it’s easier for them. It’s not easier for me. I don’t think I could be ¬†comforted by a group of strangers about something so deeply personal and difficult to discuss.

The judgment is what hurts. Everyone has an opinion on how you should handle it even if it doesn’t work for you, it comes off as some grand effort to get this uncomfortable topic as far away from them as possible. I get it, I guess. It’s scary and stressful to hear about, but I feel like it’s ten times more scary and stressful to feel.

As I mentioned to a friend, no one asks for a ton of problems, physical and/or emotional. One can feel punished by life for going through so many terrible things, and the cherry on top of that shit sundae is how alienated it makes you from others. So, let’s see…chronic fatigue, chronic pain disorder, crushing depression AND people feel awkward and wary of me!? Score!

My therapist is on maternity leave, but I am counting down the days until she returns. Clearly I have a lot to discuss with her. Time and time again, circumstances seem to reinforce to me that I am truly the only person I can ever count on 100%. Guess it’s time to have more faith and confidence in me. Not a bad thing, but I am not sure I can ever trust anyone 100%.


I have to assume other people who struggle with mental health issues feel the same way I do when someone (especially someone you care about immensely) refers to you as “broken.” I felt so much anger last night, I wanted to write and reach out but I just couldn’t for fear of saying something I would regret.

When people refer to me as “broken”, it makes me feel like they view me as less than them somehow. I think it feeds into the already existing stigma around mental health when even people close to me turn on me in such a way. It’s especially frustrating when I am doing everything I can to manage my issues. I have been in therapy off and on (more on than off lately, a personal achievement!), I go to so many doctor visits I can’t keep them straight, I try to find healthy outlets, etc. so it frustrates me that all of that seems to not exist, that someone can just dash all of that away with one simple label such as this.


You know who I think is broken? NO ONE. Everyone everywhere is a work in progress. Even the people who are stubborn as hell, pointing fingers and crying ‘broken!’ at others. I was like that once. Well, I never accused anyone else of being broken but I sure accused myself. And I wasn’t ready to listen to anyone, even me, about what I needed to do to move forward. So I drowned all of it out. I drowned it out by cutting, by drinking, by setting myself up for failure time and time again.

The current cycle I am stuck in is a cycle of instability.

I’ve been in the same relationship for about two and a half years. I have been in the same house for two years. Both of these are milestones for me, but both are still built on shaky foundations.

Broken, you might say.

I feel it all coming and crashing down around me now because I can’t keep up with this charade any longer. I get into relationship after relationship with people who cannot provide me with what I need because they are completely unwilling to. Again, I am setting myself up for failure. I’m in many ways a stereotypical adult child of an alcoholic in that I tend to end up with people who abuse alcohol, often people who deny this.

The thing is, I am finally growing; and when I find myself moving in different directions with someone who would prefer to keep me stagnant and apply labels to me, I just have to move on without looking back. I hope I have the strength this time.


I started this blog as a way to seek sort of a support group for people in similar situations. I currently feel incredibly isolated and alone dealing with everything I am saddled with. Right now nothing seems to be helping and I’m not sure where to turn. I suppose I need to talk about how I feel more often, and I have been putting off updating this blog.

My question is what kind of support should I even expect? I expect something out of my significant other, and to a lesser degree my friends, but I can’t even seem to put into words what it is I expect exactly.

How will I ever get what I want if I don’t even know what it is?

First guest post – from Tara

I don’t have a nice neat story line to type up, just the typically scattered thoughts of someone who has been sober from alcohol for less than a year. My ability to journal, or to write slightly more formally such as this, has faded from lack of use in the last ten years. Wanting to write about this hasn’t magically made it any easier, but the difficulty seems entirely self-perpetuated. Well, there’s also the fog of chemicals but more about that later.

The basics of my story are simple enough to articulate, at least in a very general way. I am a thirty-five year old alcoholic who has struggled with mental illness for years. In 2008, I suffered a traumatic burst fracture of the T12 vertebra, which resulted in a fusion of the T10-L2 vertebrae. In July of 2012, I was diagnosed with triple negative invasive ductal carcinoma, and I am BRCA and BRCA-2 negative as well. (I like to call it quadruple negative, but it’s not catching on yet.) There are positives to be found in this diagnosis, such as not having to take any targeted hormone therapy and no increased risk of ovarian cancer. Also, negatives- there are only a few chemotherapy drugs known to work on this kind of cancer, in addition to the tools of surgery and radiation. Having the genetic testing come back negative meant that an overwhelming majority of the research on TNBC is useless in my case. My oncologist actually told me there are no other patients with this combination in the area, so I shouldn’t hope to be easily understood in any kind of support group. How fun to be unusual, right?

At the time of diagnosis, the tumor and necrosis in my right breast was almost ten centimeters, which meant I wasn’t an immediate candidate for surgery, nor were we able to determine if it had spread to the lymph nodes. Luckily, I had a very positive reaction to my first regimen of eight AC-T chemotherapy treatments and was able to have a bilateral skin sparing radical mastectomy in December of 2012. At that time, sixteen nodes were removed on my right side and one was positive for cancer cells. My subsequent diagnostic scan showed no mass, which meant it was entirely up to me if I wanted more chemo. What a tough choice! I did decide to proceed, and just completed four doses of Carboplatin with Gemzar. Everyone on my medical team, and especially my oncologist, has been very clear that this is a WHEN situation, not an IF.

That all said, I would like to talk about a few of the feelings and thoughts that are consuming me at this juncture. My needs, emotional and physical, feel overwhelming and huge. The gulf between what my mind is screaming out for and what I express is immeasurable, as is the gulf between what I ask for and what I receive. Easier in its own way is the habit of shutting down and responding only to the least threatening of companions- my partner and my pets. Socializing almost entirely online, I feel support but also a painful awareness of the distance between myself and others. The people in my life that want to provide the most support happen to be the least able, for a variety of reasons. It’s difficult to avoid developing resentments, and I still haven’t figured out a healthy way to do so.

There is much difficulty in finding perspective, in understanding each new emotion or permutation of thoughts. Not only overwhelmed at times by the prospect of each next tiresome step in this cancer process, I am also despondent when considering the life of sobriety that yawns before me, shapeless as of yet. I’d perfected the art of self-loathing and self-abuse, to change now and to become MORE than the sum of my problems is daunting at best.

And then one begins to approach the long term issues, terrified and convinced of my obvious imminent failure. Is school just a way to expensively delay the inevitable, as seems to be the case with so many of my peers? Does my brain even work that way anymore, or is it too damaged by years of abuse and illness? If I fall into a heap on the floor when faced with the prospect of paperwork, who am I to talk about going to school? If not school, what else- an inexplicably long life of customer service slavery, always wishing for each day just to be over?

I’ve lived that way for almost my entire adult life, watching the clock and waiting. Tomorrow will suck less, or maybe next week. If I just push through this next ten minutes, or ten hours, then maybe I won’t be in pain and exhausted by just the machinations of life. That has certainly stood me in good stead as I deal with cancer, and so I joke that being an alcoholic has made this easier and vice versa. Cancer certainly woke me up, and allowed me to understand that there’s more fight in me than I had come to accept.

No longer drinking is a huge step, and one that can be almost impossible for the active alcoholic to achieve. In a strange way, I think that all the drugs they threw down my gullet caused enough of a fog that it softened the worst of the emotional effects. Or perhaps that all lurks, waiting for me to be able to process? Either way, this is the most intense burst of emotional growth I have experienced thus far in my life. Remembering each day to be grateful, even when I am in crippling pain, is extremely difficult to do but will hopefully become easier with more time and work.

Ugh. More work.



What is the most unconventional treatment you have undergone for any type of illness, chronic health problem, mental health or addiction issue? I love my new doctor, we are doing some seemingly strange treatments (which I will go into in another entry) but it seems to be working so far, pain level is much lower than typical.

Is there any treatment you are completely opposed to? I don’t like the idea of back/spinal surgery at all. Nor any surgery to do with my ribs/ligaments.

edit: Thinking about disabling “likes” because I want to really drum up conversation here. Do you think it’d be more likely to encourage people to comment rather than just passively hit a “like” button?

How Chronic Pain Has Made Me Happier

How Chronic Pain Has Made Me Happier

Please click the link above to read the article entitled “How Chronic Pain Has Made Me Happier”!

I had some kind of epiphany while reading this!¬†I was skeptical reading the title but surprised at how much I related. I’ve been dealing with chronic pain for five years now. I realized that every time I have traveled solo somewhere new has been since dealing with this pain. I don’t know if I would have ever spurred myself to make decisions without having dealt with this. It seems unrelated, but in reality, I push myself even further now that I struggle. I refuse to settle. I also find myself taking much better care of myself. Part of this is learning to really appreciate what I do have and making myself comfortable without beating myself up over it like I might have before. So on one hand I push myself further to go out and accomplish more, on the other I push myself less to avoid over taxing myself. Sounds strange but it balances out to something where I think honestly I do have a more enjoyable life than before when I was just coasting through day to day. Hard to explain but I related a lot to this article. Maybe someone else out there can relate as well.