So, I haven’t written in awhile which I apologize for especially with how extreme the topic of my last post was. I’m single now. I have been officially diagnosed borderline. I’m on a wait list for a DBT specific clinic, so in about a month I will be starting a full fidelity DBT program specifically for borderline individuals. It’ll be very intensive but I will hopefully gain a lot from it. I hope so. I cannot afford to waste any more of my life like this.
The relationship cycles, the instability, the self-harm/suicidal ideation – all of it needs to go.
This update will be brief, but I have been struggling and wanted to put feelers out there, let whoever is listening know I am still here.
I was chatting with a friend tonight and she said something that made me cry (in a good way, considering this breakup went very rough and as a result, I have lost all the people I have spent most of my time with over the past year plus):
I never met Sam. And even though you and I haven’t hung out in person in a long time, I feel like you are one of my closest friends. I want you to know that the reason things came to a head isn’t because you have a mental or physical ailment. It’s because you are becoming emotionally healthier. You grew and he didn’t. If you take your exes and plot them on a chart, you may see patterns that make you feel like you are in a cycle, but you aren’t. You are in a spiral and it is opening up and allowing self-love and self-healing. And I could not be more proud of you. All this with limited spoons.
She has known me a long time so I feel blessed to still have her in my life and I’m grateful that she sees me in this light. I feel like very few people do, especially now. It is easy to feel alienated when people are tossing you to the side as though you meant nothing, all because you are crazy…
Hope everyone is doing well. I will hopefully have the energy to write a more meaningful update soon.