Long time coming

So I realize I have not posted in quite some time, and actually was surprised when I noticed the date on my last post (I thought it had been even longer ago that I bothered to update). But I have a little bit of time now and want to catch up on some things.

My last post was incredibly negative and I feel both surprised and UNsurprised by that fact considering how I feel now, and considering my circumstances at the time that was posted.

I feel so grateful to finally feel *stable* for once. The good news is that despite how I felt during my last post, I can actually tell how different I really am even though I could not see it at the time. My therapist came back from maternity leave as my last relationship was falling apart and she was saying things like, “You need to remove yourself from that situation as soon as possible.” and I was able to respond: “I know, and I am already working on doing just that.” She commented to me that I seemed like a completely different person. I started to feel, experience, see things as a different person also. I truly feel I have finally made progress, and it came just in time to rescue me from a very damaging situation.

I moved too fast into a relationship and justified it because it was a person I had dated before and had 15 years of history with. However, it became apparent he had not changed much in those 15 years and the situation devolved into something dangerous. I used this crumbling foundation to launch me into a new, necessary yet scary endeavor: to own my own home for the first time. This was a goal I had for a very long time and it always felt completely out of reach. In a matter of two months or so, though, I did it. It was SO hard for me to wait for the right house to come along when I knew I desperately needed out of the place that I lived with a monster.

Looking at house after house out of my price range or places falling apart, or too far out, or even putting in an offer and being beat out by a different offer was becoming a little bit soul crushing…especially when I had to return ‘home’ feeling defeated, putting up with the emotional abuse and filth I had to live with.

When I finally found the place I wanted, I was completely unfazed by all the paperwork and all the typically “stressful” things people complain about when purchasing a home. I welcomed it. Each step was a step closer to what felt like total autonomy and liberation. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but if it does… maybe you haven’t lived through an abusive relationship. Buying my own home is important to me not only for the accomplishment but for a symbolic end to my incredibly unstable history. Finally there is something that is mine, mine alone. Maybe I won’t have to move upwards of 4 times a year anymore. It feels good.

My job, which is very stressful in and of itself, has become much easier for me to handle. All of this just from a change of my perspective, the way I see life, everything. I am so grateful. I cannot stress enough how exciting it is to me to feel I have finally made progress just when I felt ready to give up on ever changing. It does not help that there were a handful of people to throw in “I told you so” type commentary regarding my last relationship, but I casually pointed out, “This is not a bet, it is my LIFE.” Be there for me or get the hell out of my way.

So, mental/emotional health is improving. Stress is reduced. There’s all kinds of new stresses that come with home ownership, but I feel I am handling it all with grace. Physical health is a little bit worse off, though not as bad as I would expect. I did move twice this year, and 95% of all the packing and lifting (including furniture) was done by myself, chronic pain and all. On top of this, I have not had a professional massage that did me one bit of good since April of last year, right before my massage therapist was injured gravely. She is still unable to work, but I did finally get a referral to someone who might actually be able to help me thanks to my amazing fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue doctor. (Long story short, many massage therapists claim to be able to work on chronic pain/fibro patients, but few actually seem to know what to do with a body like mine.)

So, I am hurting, but I’m no longer under any crushing unhappiness or stress, so perhaps this is why it is not affecting me as badly as I would have expected.

I did receive a new diagnosis recently. My period has returned after I came off of depo provera. I was on depo for 11 years, during which I had no periods. I began experiencing a lot of bad cramps and emotional outbursts, lots of anger, irritability and sadness. My doctor diagnosed me with PMS, partially due to these symptoms and symptoms I experienced prior to going on depo. I wanted to stay off hormonal birth control until I balanced my hormones but I could not stand it any longer and my doctor wrote me a prescription for Nuvaring. So far so good but we’ll see what happens come next month.

Just got 14 vials of blood drawn for labs, plus saliva and urine samples. There are still some mysteries in my body to solve.

I have much more to say but am currently at work so this will have to do for now. I hope you are all doing well.

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