Every time I let myself slip and have *feelings* I think I am doing something right finally until I am betrayed again, by myself or someone else (usually both; myself for being too trusting, especially), end result is the same. I’m so sick of my bad decisions, I am only attracted to those who will hurt me. I keep trying to work on it. I’ve been in therapy consistently for more than a year, the longest ever. I cannot tell where I am going wrong. Even someone I have known half my life convinces me of things that are obviously impossible. I’m sick of being jerked around like this and even more frustrated at myself for letting it happen time and time again. I don’t know where my issue is, but I guess all those people who called me ‘broken’ were right. I am fine picking up the pieces and moving on, alone, it’s what I do. However, when the time comes and I think I can trust my decision making skills again, I won’t know how to tell if it’s all a facade or not. After this, I really do not see myself trusting someone who says any of these nice things to me ever, ever, ever again.
Anyone else get stuck in these cycles with relationships? I always see the good in people and want to believe the nice things people say. Then when people show me the opposite of those nice things, I feel like a fool and naive for believing it. Part of me will probably continue to insist that somewhere I will somehow find the type of companionship I desire, but the other part is saying it’s just not possible. For some reason. I don’t know what I am doing wrong, but I will never fully trust someone or even myself ever. Giving in because someone seems so genuine is just an invitation to be hurt.
Of course, my problem mostly is connecting with people who have major issues themselves. I have some crazy desire to grow and change and support someone and have them support me through all the crazy bullshit I have to deal with. But people fall short and I always end up feeling like I am just too much trouble, not worth the time. I don’t know. Whatever it is, I hope I can figure it out one day. Until then, it’s just me I can count on. Even then, not all the time. But I’m the best I’ve got.