Suicidal ideation

Interestingly enough, it seems that a lot of people come to the conclusion that suicide is a selfish choice. However, when I attempt to point out how my thought processes have been when I think about suicide (largely relating to me feeling like a burden on others, which to me seems the opposite of selfish), people get uncomfortable (naturally) and still tell me it’s selfish. Then some even specify that if you do not completely exhaust your support network before committing suicide, of course you are selfish. How dare you make a decision without baring your soul to every single person you can think of who might help?

But if in that moment you decide to share some thoughts you have had with them, they close up and say “Maybe you should talk to your therapist about that, I’m not a trained professional.”

What? Are you not part of this support system I am supposed to exhaust before giving up completely? Being shot down by people I care about doesn’t really help. Not that I am at any risk of following through on these types of thoughts, I am still in a bad place and need the care and support of those close to me. Time and time again, however, I am reminded that no one wants to discuss these things, yet they still want me to believe it’s selfish of me.

Funny how that works.

It’s hard for me to write this post even if it seems otherwise. I have run into a lot of issues confessing my feelings to people I care about. Of course it’s hard to hear that someone is feeling this way but the reactions I have encountered just serve to reinforce my assumption that no one is really there for me, that there is no point in talking to people about it because they will react negatively. That is scary especially when you are in a very dark place.

What they really mean to say is you should talk to a psychiatrist or go to a support group. Anything where you are talking to virtual strangers because it’s easier for them. It’s not easier for me. I don’t think I could be  comforted by a group of strangers about something so deeply personal and difficult to discuss.

The judgment is what hurts. Everyone has an opinion on how you should handle it even if it doesn’t work for you, it comes off as some grand effort to get this uncomfortable topic as far away from them as possible. I get it, I guess. It’s scary and stressful to hear about, but I feel like it’s ten times more scary and stressful to feel.

As I mentioned to a friend, no one asks for a ton of problems, physical and/or emotional. One can feel punished by life for going through so many terrible things, and the cherry on top of that shit sundae is how alienated it makes you from others. So, let’s see…chronic fatigue, chronic pain disorder, crushing depression AND people feel awkward and wary of me!? Score!

My therapist is on maternity leave, but I am counting down the days until she returns. Clearly I have a lot to discuss with her. Time and time again, circumstances seem to reinforce to me that I am truly the only person I can ever count on 100%. Guess it’s time to have more faith and confidence in me. Not a bad thing, but I am not sure I can ever trust anyone 100%.


2 comments on “Suicidal ideation

  1. karmarat says:

    I’m always hyper conscious of, and feel quite guilty about, being perceived as using my friends for therapy. But aren’t friends meant to help each other, to support and listen, to share strength? I know plenty of people who would strongly prefer to never discuss anything of emotional intensity, and I cannot imagine living that way myself. Maybe it’s the sobriety, or the sense of having pulled myself from the brink, but I FEEL so many things and I have to talk about it!

    • Yeah, that would be my definition of a friend, but I think a lot of people define friends differently…perhaps you and I are in a similar boat with friends who want us to be there for them but hardly have a second to spare for us, especially if our issues are gigantic and soul-crushing compared to anything they have dealt with before….or, perhaps for some of them, it makes them think a little too hard about their own problems. People like to live in cozy, comfy denial.

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