“Broken”

I have to assume other people who struggle with mental health issues feel the same way I do when someone (especially someone you care about immensely) refers to you as “broken.” I felt so much anger last night, I wanted to write and reach out but I just couldn’t for fear of saying something I would regret.

When people refer to me as “broken”, it makes me feel like they view me as less than them somehow. I think it feeds into the already existing stigma around mental health when even people close to me turn on me in such a way. It’s especially frustrating when I am doing everything I can to manage my issues. I have been in therapy off and on (more on than off lately, a personal achievement!), I go to so many doctor visits I can’t keep them straight, I try to find healthy outlets, etc. so it frustrates me that all of that seems to not exist, that someone can just dash all of that away with one simple label such as this.

Broken.

You know who I think is broken? NO ONE. Everyone everywhere is a work in progress. Even the people who are stubborn as hell, pointing fingers and crying ‘broken!’ at others. I was like that once. Well, I never accused anyone else of being broken but I sure accused myself. And I wasn’t ready to listen to anyone, even me, about what I needed to do to move forward. So I drowned all of it out. I drowned it out by cutting, by drinking, by setting myself up for failure time and time again.

The current cycle I am stuck in is a cycle of instability.

I’ve been in the same relationship for about two and a half years. I have been in the same house for two years. Both of these are milestones for me, but both are still built on shaky foundations.

Broken, you might say.

I feel it all coming and crashing down around me now because I can’t keep up with this charade any longer. I get into relationship after relationship with people who cannot provide me with what I need because they are completely unwilling to. Again, I am setting myself up for failure. I’m in many ways a stereotypical adult child of an alcoholic in that I tend to end up with people who abuse alcohol, often people who deny this.

The thing is, I am finally growing; and when I find myself moving in different directions with someone who would prefer to keep me stagnant and apply labels to me, I just have to move on without looking back. I hope I have the strength this time.

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6 comments on ““Broken”

  1. faithrivada says:

    Hey there. I just came across your blog today and you seem really cool. Let me know if you’d like to be friends. 🙂

  2. Anonymous says:

    I mirror so much of the realizations that you speak about that it is uncanny. I too have been through far too much, as a result of others who have not had to have been immersed in what I believe should have to be the acknowledgement of the aftermath of their culpability, for how their “diseases” have negatively affected me. When I speak of “diseases” I mean those like you I have directly & indirectly experienced that have left indelible marks on my psyche.
    For me these have been a bit different, and it seems that those personality flaws of others have impacted me most… no alcoholism but extreme food addiction/severe depression/emotional abuse, which have in turn caused me to have issues with trusting my own internal coping mechanisms. I truly believe that it is far worse, not like being able to deal with the proverbial “elephant-in-the-room.” In so many ways how their “disease” spilled out onto me, has affected me and in ways that I only now can see have cost me so much.
    It is amazing when you realize the depth of it all, it makes you sad. It makes you realize you’ve been diminished. It makes you angry, at them and then yourself! For me this is my motivation, not to be better for anyone but me!
    I too have been through a lot of issues in the last two years, especially in terms of my health. It has shaken who/what I believed I was/am and I have gone through this mostly alone, even while I have had someone in my life. I have come to know that I feel let down by the lack of commitment to me and have spent much time re-evaluating my own commitment mostly to myself- to heal & recover and learn who I now am and what I want to do to reach my personal goals, now and in the future! Sounds a bit militant I know, trying not to be bitter…it is a work in progress.
    If there is one thing that I am trying desperately not to let derail me from this new reality, is not letting “the old dance” derail me from my journey….sounds like you are too!!
    Becoming enlightened feels good doesn’t it? Trust and believe you are strong enough to make it happen…come hell or high water, I am going to!

    • yes! It sounds like we have some similar experiences going on, I am happy to hear you are on the right path…I’ve thought I was a few times but did get derailed as you say a few times, but it is slowly getting better. Progress!

  3. D.J. Haswell says:

    Don’t let anyone bring you down. Stay strong and true to yourself!

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