I have to assume other people who struggle with mental health issues feel the same way I do when someone (especially someone you care about immensely) refers to you as “broken.” I felt so much anger last night, I wanted to write and reach out but I just couldn’t for fear of saying something I would regret.
When people refer to me as “broken”, it makes me feel like they view me as less than them somehow. I think it feeds into the already existing stigma around mental health when even people close to me turn on me in such a way. It’s especially frustrating when I am doing everything I can to manage my issues. I have been in therapy off and on (more on than off lately, a personal achievement!), I go to so many doctor visits I can’t keep them straight, I try to find healthy outlets, etc. so it frustrates me that all of that seems to not exist, that someone can just dash all of that away with one simple label such as this.
You know who I think is broken? NO ONE. Everyone everywhere is a work in progress. Even the people who are stubborn as hell, pointing fingers and crying ‘broken!’ at others. I was like that once. Well, I never accused anyone else of being broken but I sure accused myself. And I wasn’t ready to listen to anyone, even me, about what I needed to do to move forward. So I drowned all of it out. I drowned it out by cutting, by drinking, by setting myself up for failure time and time again.
The current cycle I am stuck in is a cycle of instability.
I’ve been in the same relationship for about two and a half years. I have been in the same house for two years. Both of these are milestones for me, but both are still built on shaky foundations.
Broken, you might say.
I feel it all coming and crashing down around me now because I can’t keep up with this charade any longer. I get into relationship after relationship with people who cannot provide me with what I need because they are completely unwilling to. Again, I am setting myself up for failure. I’m in many ways a stereotypical adult child of an alcoholic in that I tend to end up with people who abuse alcohol, often people who deny this.
The thing is, I am finally growing; and when I find myself moving in different directions with someone who would prefer to keep me stagnant and apply labels to me, I just have to move on without looking back. I hope I have the strength this time.